Day 5

Jan. 7, 2012

      Uh-oh. Maybe not a great start today. My mom made a big breakfast since Alex was here. I may or may not have participated in the feasting. (Spoiler alert: I totally did). I had probably ½ cup scrambled eggs, and yes, there was cheese in them. I combined them with 2 pieces of oatmeal toast, 2 small turkey sausage patties, and ¼ avocado. Then I also had 2 cups of coffee, a glass of orange juice and a mini cinnamon roll. I'm going to go ahead and say that a cinnamon roll counts as junk food. Probably because it certainly does. I didn't even intend to eat it. It just happened, like sleep eating or something. Except I was awake.

       Anyways, I immediately regretted it so didn't eat lunch and did a big workout with Renee. My aunty Claudia brought her dog over and she and my mom and Lucy walked the track around the park while Renee and I did circuit training. We would run laps around the park and then work different muscle groups on the equipment. It was a lot of fun and we played games to distract ourselves and laughed the whole time. I wish we could consistently work out together. Sigh.

       Now we're both hobbling around clutching our thighs and whining.

       For dinner we got Portillo's salads. I got a chopped salad no cheese, no chicken. Not a bad meal. However, I just finished it and my tummy is still rumbling. Uh-oh. If I'm still hungry in an hour I'll have a bowl of soup or something. I'm proud of myself for turning the day around. It's a step in the right direction from yesterday. Instead of letting a lavish breakfast trash my whole day, I worked hard and ate light and probably will end the day in the neg.

      Funny note, in the car on the way home from Portillo's I was fishing around in the bag making sure everything we ordered was there. (Just FYI, I have YET to get a perfect order from Portillo's. Once they gave me caramel sauce instead of salad dressing. I may or may not have cried. [I did.]) I stumbled across (read: searched for) a delicious, warm, hunk of bread. I took a huge bite and was savoring it and exclaiming how delicious it was to my sister when I remembered my 21 day challenge and literally spat it out the window. Win? Maybe? I deserve a little credit! I mean, yeah, forgetting I was doing a challenge is bad, but spitting that bread out was the hardest thing I've ever done! It was SO GOOD. But my waist line will thank me. Country Thunder. Crop tops. MUST PERSERVERE!

Today's Menu

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs w/ cheese, 2 pieces oatmeal bread, ¼ avocado, 2 small turkey sausage patties, orange juice, 2 glasses coffee, 1 mini cinnamon roll

Dinner: Portillo's chopped salad, no cheese, no chicken

Exercise:

Run, run, run (a lot)

Calisthenics 

Day 4

Jan. 6^th, 2012

      Big 2lb loss today! Yay! But not the best eating. Boo. The BF came over today. I woke up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and had an egg and ¼ avocado for breakfast. Good, right?

      Then for lunch, we went out for sushi. We got a couple rolls with some edamame and split them. We even had 3 or 4 pieces left when we finished. Still doing okay.

       After that he took Renee and I and tried to teach us to drive stick shift. Ahhh! It was my second attempt at learning to drive stick. This time we were using his dad's Honda Civic instead of his Jeep and it was so much easier! I did a lot better! He even let me go on some actual streets! I mean, they were side streets, but still. He may have been white-knuckling his seat and Renee may have been rolling around in the back seat, but I didn't crash! Not even once! Renee and I managed to kill the engine probably a total of 100 times and we could even start to smell the clutch burning. Oops. Enough driving for the day.

       Side note: the way Alex taught us just makes me love him more. He never got impatient, never yelled, never even got annoyed. We all laughed and learned and it was such a pleasant experience. I can already tell he would make a great dad. I can practically picture him one day teaching our son. Am I getting ahead of myself?

       Eh-hem. Anyways...after driver's ed we went and got the dog and took her to play at the park. We all walked and played and ran around and I felt pretty good about everything.

Then my mom came home and took us to an amazing thai place for dinner. OMG was it good! It was also BYOB. We got a bottle of white wine, appetizers and a couple entrees and split them. It was a great meal and a lot of fun, but I felt like I over-indulged. So naturally, when we went to the movies I got an ICEE and ate some of the BF's popcorn.

      Whenever I feel like I didn't eat clean, I have to pig out. That's a problem. Logically, if I felt like I might have gone over my daily cals at dinner I shouldn't make it worse. Unfortunately this is not how my brain works. I figure if I already screwed up I might as well eat what I want.

       Does this unfortunate lapse in simple logic count as a breech of my 21 day challenge? Maybe. I might extend it to 25 days to make up for any faulty things, like popcorn or ICEE's, that aren't on the list but are probably still considered junk food.

      Anyways, I feel good that we were active and typing it out I guess I didn't do AS BAD as I thought I did, but it wasn't a clean eating day. Gotta re-work my mind. One treat or misstep should be just that, not an excuse to throw my diet into the wind. That's going to be a big focus and a big change for me.

Today's Menu:

Breakfast: 1 egg fried in a tsp. Evoo

Lunch: Sushi rolls (~2) and edamame

Dinner: 1 crab rangoon, ½ an egg roll, 1 dim-sum, 1 chicken satay, about ¼ cup white rice, ½ red curry, 1 cup Pad thai, 1.5 glass white whine

Snack: some popcorn, 1 raspberry lemonade ICEE

Day 3

Jan. 5, 2012

      Today was a good day. I ate clean and worked out again. I'm starting to feel better already.

However, today was also the first day I felt any cravings. I went out to dinner with my BFF Abby. She got an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie and I actually had to squeeze my water bottle to keep from wringing her neck and running away with the doughy goodness. Luckily, no one was hurt and I continued my 21 day challenge.

      Tonight I also had really bad night cravings. You see, my absolute favorite thing to do in the world is come home from being at a friends house or out somewhere and just binge like nobody's business. Like, either drive through somewhere and order the most ridiculous thing on the menu, like a triple-cellulite-maker with extra large fries, or just ravage my way through anything remotely satisfying here in the house.

      A few days ago I fell victim and ate the better part of an artichoke pizza. It's one of my biggest issues. I could eat clean all day but then 11:30 rolls around and I'm like a mad woman.

It even afflicts me at school. Our cafeteria closes at 10 p.m., but there's a Subway in our building that stays open until midnight. You would probably think, Oh, well, at least Subway's healthy! WRONG. Did you know Subway makes pizza? They do. And leave it to college kids to discover that that pizza tastes extra delicious smothered in ranch and chipotle sauce. And they also sell chips. And cookies. And they're located a stone's throw away from the vending machines which are loaded with all kinds of explosive treats.

       Like Pop-Tarts. Mmmmm. Pop-Tarts. My sister and I literally go ape-shit for Pop-Tarts. Having two fat kids, my mom all but banned them from our house. Ask her the last time she bought a Pop-Tart. I dare you. Maybe 18 years ago? I'm 20. So naturally, Pop-Tarts became just THAT much more appealing, being a forbidden food, and all.

       I even used my last flex-dollars on Pop-Tarts. I was really, really, really binging before I left school for winter break (hence the 20lb weight gain) and it was late at night and my boy friend, his roommate and I were watching a delightfully gory zombie show called “The Walking Dead”. At around two in the morning my tummy was rumbling so I sent the BF down to the vending machines with my ID.

       You see, everyone with a meal plan gets a certain amount of flex-dollars per semester to use at on-campus food venues like Subway or the vending machines or Burger King. They are built into your ID like a gift card.

       Naturally, being the last week of the semester, and being with two glutenous (even worse than me!) boys, I was the only one with any left, so I sent Alex down to get us snacks. Of course, I requested Pop-Tarts. And orange juice. And Fritos Barbeque Twists.

       My mom calls the twists “crack” because they're so good. And since she likes them, they are allowed to occasionally reside in our cabinets.

      Anyways, he returns dutifully with all the right treats except he got me Strawberry Pop-Tarts. Strawberry? Really? When the brown sugar ones were right next to them?

      My face flushed, I leapt up, grabbed Alex by the collar, and in a panicked voice, urged him to return downstairs and get the right ones. With a terrified look on his face he told me I was out of flex-dollars, and Lord knows I don't have any real money. I dropped to my knees and cursed the Heavens, violently shaking my strawberry Poop-Tart in the air.

       Okay, maybe not.

       But I was pissed. And I did want to cry a little. JUST A LITTLE. Don't judge me! Anyways, all was better as soon as I started munching on my crack. And orange juice. And okay, okay, I ate the Poop-Tart, as well.

       Anyways, my diet doctor told me I really had to cut down on my late night rendezvous with the vending machine and my mom is one step away from literally counting our food to make sure Renee and I aren't pigging out. Or padlocking the fridge. Hey, maybe that's not a bad idea!

      So naturally tonight, on my way home from Bea's house where we had just watched the season premier of J-Shore. (Oh yeah, fist pump, yeah!) I had to stop at Walgreens. I had a bag of turkey jerky in my hands all the way to the register. And considering that I wanted to buy an entire birthday cake and eat it while watching a marathon of Friends, turkey jerky wasn't a bad compromise. But it's beside the point. I need to change the way I use food, and not just what I eat, but when I eat. So instead I ditched the turkey jerky at checkout (Sorry, Walgreens personnel!) and had a single pickle slice which clocks in at 25 calories. Yay progress!

Today's Menu:

Lunch: A small bowl of turkey chilli with white rice

Snack: 5 turkey sausage bites and a string cheese

Dinner: A Potbelly's chicken salad salad, a cup of chilli and a bottle of water

Late night snack: 1 pickle slice

Exercise

40 minutes on the treadmill at various speeds

10 minute yoga video

Day 2

Jan. 4, 2012

       I'm currently sitting in a post-dinner coma. I. Ate. WAYYYYY too much. Bleh. I think I'm still okay, though. I woke up at noon (ahh the joys of winter break) and ate an awesome breakfast. I made an avocado and egg sandwich and put it on an arnold's wheat thin. Delicious.

       I also worked out for the first time in a long time. I ran on the treadmill going 3.5 for 90 seconds, then running at 5.5 for 60 seconds. I kept that up for 30 minutes. It was hard, but it felt good. We're also going to go for a walk in a few minutes as a family.

      My only hiccup today was dinner. My mom made a giant pot of turkey chilli. It is probably my favorite meal she makes. As I was dishing out my first bowl (where I denied cheese and only had about 2 tbs. of rice) I found myself already excited about my second bowl. Fail. I was super full as I went to get my second bowl, but I still got it and forced it down. Partly because my mom told me not to. That's no good. Logically, even physically, I knew I didn't need that second bowl, but I couldn't not eat it.

We're talking about joining Weight-Watchers. I think it's a good idea. WW would help me keep weight off long-term.

      Despite my over-indulgent dinner, I've cut down a lot on my eating and I'm still going strong on my 21-day no junk-food challenge. I know it might seem a little premature to celebrate a diet after 3 days, but when my cousin, Drea, and I tried to do the lemonade diet, yeah, the one where you drink lemon juice, water, maple syrup and cayenne pepper, we didn't even make it half a day. Three days is six times as long as that! So yay me! I also incorporated exercise twice today so I'm counting the day as a win. Even the fact that I regret eating two helpings of dinner shows that I'm starting to become aware of what I'm eating and have the desire to change.

Today's Menu:

Brunch: one egg fried in a teaspoon of olive oil, ¼ an avocado, 1 whole wheat Arnold's thin

Dinner: Two big bowls of turkey chilli and about ¼ cup of white rice

Exercise:

30 minutes on the treadmill going 3.5 for 1.5 minutes, then 5.5 for 1 minute

30 minutes walking with the family

Day 1 (kinda)

Jam. 3, 2012

           So...I guess this counts as day one, although hardly, because this is probably the gazillionth “day 1”. The last time I weighed myself (which stupidly wasn't today) I was fat.  Like, fat fat. My current weight, aside from being far too high for my 5'2” frame, is extra devastating considering approximately a year ago I was at my lightest which is about 40lbs from here. What happened was I got a boyfriend (love you, honey!) and lost the big motivator that is single-dom. I no longer had to impress random boys at parties or in my classes and I realized I could eat a cheeseburger and still have a guy want to make-out with me! Hooray!

           However, I've decided in the new year to use Alex (the designated maker-outer) as motivation in another way. He is so supportive, kind, and complimentary (despite my 40lb weight gain) that I want to get back to my happy, fit, self because he deserves to be with the best woman I can be.

           Which, lately, he hasn't been. I've become lazy, glutenous and just blah. To be honest, when I'm heavy I completely lose my edge. You would think that someone who was over-weight from the age of four would learn to love themselves at any weight, which I do...kind of. It's just that along with being over-weight from age four, I have also dieted from age 4 (or like...ten, but still) and so last year when I experienced what it was like to be fairly content with my weight it was like someone opened my eyes for the first time. I felt like I had the freedom to think about other things or further improve myself because now I could be worth something. Right now, for example, I don't care about tanning, shopping, waxing, make-uping, or even school, really, because if I'm fat, it's not even worth it to be successful in other ways. That's not the right mindset, but it's the truth. I should be striving to be the most put-together, perfectly manicured, fashionable, smart and successful plus-sized girl around, but I just can't seem to find the will.

          This is a problem. Therefore, my New Year's resolution for 2012 is not to simply “lose weight”, but also to come to peace with myself. And accessorize more, but that's irrelevant. As someone who will undoubtedly have to manage (if not battle) her weight her whole life, I think it will be pretty important to have confidence at any weight I could (read: probably will) be.

           Needless to say, “lose weight” is still main priority. A lot of people say “if you think losing weight will make you happy, you're wrong, it needs to come from within, blee-blew-blah-bloo”. That's not how it was for me. To be honest, I love my life. And I'm a pretty big fan of myself. In fact, at my lowest weight I was actually vain enough to think “I might be perfect!” (Barf, I know). But really, I have an amazing family, wonderful friends, pretty much the perfect boyfriend. I love my school, enjoy my jobs and get good grades. I don't have much to complain about and I am eternally grateful, but the sad part is when I'm heavy, none of that seems to matter. Hence, the “make-peace in 2012” pact being akimbo to the “lose weight in 2012” mantra.

        I'm currently doing a “21 Day No Junk Food Challenge”. It consists of not eating chocolate, candy, biscuits or cookies, cake, donuts, or muffins, pastries, white bread, chips, fast food, nutella, peanut butter or ice cream for 21 days. This is day 2 and so far, so good.

Today's Menu:

Breakfast: Bowl of Special K fruit and yogurt w/ skim milk

Lunch: Beet salad: Beets, white kidney-beans, onion, tuna, extra-virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar

Dinner: Salad with Talapia, EVOO, balsamic vinegar, ¼ of an avocado, craisins, croutons, and white kidney-beans