Jam. 3, 2012
So...I guess this counts as day one, although hardly, because this is probably the gazillionth “day 1”. The last time I weighed myself (which stupidly wasn't today) I was fat. Like, fat fat. My current weight, aside from being far too high for my 5'2” frame, is extra devastating considering approximately a year ago I was at my lightest which is about 40lbs from here. What happened was I got a boyfriend (love you, honey!) and lost the big motivator that is single-dom. I no longer had to impress random boys at parties or in my classes and I realized I could eat a cheeseburger and still have a guy want to make-out with me! Hooray!
However, I've decided in the new year to use Alex (the designated maker-outer) as motivation in another way. He is so supportive, kind, and complimentary (despite my 40lb weight gain) that I want to get back to my happy, fit, self because he deserves to be with the best woman I can be.
Which, lately, he hasn't been. I've become lazy, glutenous and just blah. To be honest, when I'm heavy I completely lose my edge. You would think that someone who was over-weight from the age of four would learn to love themselves at any weight, which I do...kind of. It's just that along with being over-weight from age four, I have also dieted from age 4 (or like...ten, but still) and so last year when I experienced what it was like to be fairly content with my weight it was like someone opened my eyes for the first time. I felt like I had the freedom to think about other things or further improve myself because now I could be worth something. Right now, for example, I don't care about tanning, shopping, waxing, make-uping, or even school, really, because if I'm fat, it's not even worth it to be successful in other ways. That's not the right mindset, but it's the truth. I should be striving to be the most put-together, perfectly manicured, fashionable, smart and successful plus-sized girl around, but I just can't seem to find the will.
This is a problem. Therefore, my New Year's resolution for 2012 is not to simply “lose weight”, but also to come to peace with myself. And accessorize more, but that's irrelevant. As someone who will undoubtedly have to manage (if not battle) her weight her whole life, I think it will be pretty important to have confidence at any weight I could (read: probably will) be.
Needless to say, “lose weight” is still main priority. A lot of people say “if you think losing weight will make you happy, you're wrong, it needs to come from within, blee-blew-blah-bloo”. That's not how it was for me. To be honest, I love my life. And I'm a pretty big fan of myself. In fact, at my lowest weight I was actually vain enough to think “I might be perfect!” (Barf, I know). But really, I have an amazing family, wonderful friends, pretty much the perfect boyfriend. I love my school, enjoy my jobs and get good grades. I don't have much to complain about and I am eternally grateful, but the sad part is when I'm heavy, none of that seems to matter. Hence, the “make-peace in 2012” pact being akimbo to the “lose weight in 2012” mantra.
I'm currently doing a “21 Day No Junk Food Challenge”. It consists of not eating chocolate, candy, biscuits or cookies, cake, donuts, or muffins, pastries, white bread, chips, fast food, nutella, peanut butter or ice cream for 21 days. This is day 2 and so far, so good.
Today's Menu:
Breakfast: Bowl of Special K fruit and yogurt w/ skim milk
Lunch: Beet salad: Beets, white kidney-beans, onion, tuna, extra-virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar
Dinner: Salad with Talapia, EVOO, balsamic vinegar, ¼ of an avocado, craisins, croutons, and white kidney-beans
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